The Entertainment and Sports Programming Network, also known as ESPN to plebs like you and me, created in 1979, has been the epicenter of the sporting realm since its inception 37 years ago. But unpopular opinion and conspiracy theory alert comin’ at you: ESPN sucks and it purposely puts out mediocre, to below mediocre programming. You know why they do that? Because they’re a greedy cluster fuck of a sports conglomerate that only cares about the money, and not the content. So they fuck with us viewers, kick us to the curb. They know I’m not going to turn on Fox Sports 1. They know for sure as hell I ain’t touching Comcast Sportsnet. I’ve been brainwashed since my youth to only trust this damn channel. How am I qualified to make these not-at-all far-fetched ESPN money claims you ask? Well, I’m not. But I don’t make any money off of writing this so I can call them out on their money crazed actions without looking like a hypocritical fuck.
Let’s look at some examples:
They’ve had just the absolute BEST, I mean just the true salt of the Earth people working for them. With individuals like Berman (he just can’t seem to keep it together on live TV), Schilling (possibly still questioning his own sexuality?), Stephen A. (great vocab, just maybe it’s tad too expansive at times), Rob Parker (I’m staying away from commenting on this one), Britt Mchenry (I wouldn’t fuck with her), and Musberger (This one is actually pretty excusable) just to name a few. Great job, ESPN. These people have a more stable track record than Michael J. Fox’s attempts at being a waiter. ESPN never took the time to properly vet these people. It never seems to bother them if they had a loose cannon or two on set. Once one gets a little too carried away? Simple, just let ’em go, they’re a freaking dime a dozen.
Example two: Their stuff you watch on TV is unsatisfactory, just a tragedy
The yearly bowl matchups of a 6-6 team versus a 5-7 team that got in because they had better academics than the other 5-7 teams featuring announcers that are calling their first ever sporting event. Fuck yeah. These are what we like to call in sports layman’s terms “An instant classic”. If you didn’t grow up watching the *insert sponsor name* *insert city name* *insert real name of bowl* growing up, did you even ever watch fundamentally sound football?
Anytime my faithful Illini are on ESPN for college hoops. I had to throw this one in there just because of my love for Illinois and my proclivity to call them out whenever humanly possible. Just take a look at their 2015 performance when they were graced with airtime on ESPN (this is just ESPN or ESPN2, get your watchESPN/ESPN3 nonsense out of here):
December 2nd, 84-79 Loss
December 23rd, 68-63 Win
December 30th, 68-78 Loss
January 7th, 54-79 Loss
January 19th, 69-103 Loss
February 25th, 74-47 Loss
March 3rd, 55-81 Loss
March 9th, 85-52 Win
March 11th, 58-89 Loss
Those are some rough scores. And look, I know Illinois wasn’t very good last year anyway, but that’s ESPN’s job to scout out the matchups prior. The ESPN producers know Illinois has sucked for a decade, yet they still go ahead and stick ’em in a primetime matchup against a legitimate team like Michigan State or Indiana. Sounds a little suspicious if you ask me.
The Scripps National Spelling Bee. With ESPN broadcasting the finals live on daytime TV from 1994-2005, and finally taking the absolutely necessary leap in 2011 to broadcasting the national finals live in prime time. Now I’m not saying that watching a bunch of 12-year-olds with last names I can’t pronounce spell words you don’t believe are English isn’t fun, but I mean Jesus it’s fucking ESPN. The S stands for sports, not spelling, not socialistic anarchy, which is how people see your god damn channel, ESPN.
Sports Reporters. For every Sunday morning at 9:30 since 1988 we’ve gotten to hear Mike Lupica promote his promote his tween-appropriate sports books and have 22 minutes of arguing over whether or not Jeremy Schaap has enough hair gel for an entire segment about Cuban baseball players defecting to America. All I’m saying is that when it comes down to this or State of the Union over on CNN, I’m picking Jake Tapper 9 out of 10 times.
E60. Ohhhh my god E60. I’ll be the first to admit that E60 has covered some truly remarkable stories, stories of incredible heroism and courage. BUT JESUS CHRIST COULD YOU MAKE SITTING AROUND A TABLE MORE DRAMATIC. WE KNOW WHAT YOU SAY IS SCRIPTED RACHEL NICHOLS, STOP PRETENDING TO ASK SO MANY QUESTIONS YOU DON’T KNOW THE ANSWER TO, LISA SALTERS. I mean they just sit around this table, presenting stories to each other and facts about these stories that they already know about. All of this dramatic effect is not what I want. It’s not what YOU want. This show is one degree of freedom away from becoming a full-fledged ESPN reality show, Keeping up With the Schefter’s style. Oh, and our friend Jeremy Schaap makes another appearance, with even more hair gel than last time*.
So there you have it, ESPN doesn’t give a shit what they put on their family of networks because we’re still gonna watch every single Little League World Series game whether we like it or not. So keep spending 35 minute SportsCenter segments on Deflategate, or 7 minutes of coverage a year on hockey. For some reason, we’ll still watch.
*It appears that I have a clear disdain for Jeremy. It’s not personal, I just can’t stand him. Ok. It’s personal.